Archive for October, 2005

I’m sitting in my Freedom of Expression class right now. Every day I bring my laptop to the class and do a whole lot of nothing. Last time I balanced my checkbook. Today I updated my resume. I’ve updated the South Park characters, so click on over to my Facebook if you haven’t already and see what I’ve done.

Some girl just walked out of class. We all want to. This class is such an amazing waste of time. Unless you’re actually in it, I don’t think there’s any way in which I can explain what it’s like.

We have an issue with writing papers every week, when the prof. doesn’t get them back to us for like three weeks. So we’re plugging along, thinking we’re on the right path, and then we get them back and find out we’ve been wrong for five weeks. He doesn’t think it’s a problem, because it’s a uniform action — “everyone is in the same boat.” Bite me.

Alright, back to something else that will take up time. It feels like we’ve been in this class for two hours already, but it’s barely been 20 minutes…

Took my camera out and about today – and the film one at that.  It’s just the same old shit I’ve been dealing with my whole life.  People keep me out of the loop because they see me as brash, unrealistic, uncaring or a plain, old jackass.  People walk all over me because they feel like they can, and in reality I really do little to stop it.  Some of this is my problem, yes, but much of this is some strange thing in life, that same strange thing that makes the bullies on the playground the attackers and those who are picked on the victims.  I’ve never been the bully, but I’ve been the picked on one many times.

People may call me cynical, but at least I genuinely care about others.  I may not be able to express it in the clearest way, the most direct way, but I actually care about others’ well-being.  I believe that there are those who would attest and back me up on this.  That’s more than I can say about others, who simply tear others down to build themselves up, who hide behind their self-righteousness in order to make up for their obvious – even identified shortcomings.  And even more than those who put up a façade of concern when in reality they just don’t give a damn.

Be straight about what you’re feeling.  If you don’t like someone, don’t like them.  That’s fine.  Nobody expects everyone to like everyone.  But that’s no excuse not to respect someone, or to even try to hear their point of view.  And if you think I’m just spouting off and being hypocritical, I encourage you to follow me around for a day.  I don’t hide my opinions about people, but I try my damndest to keep those in check and focus on the larger issue in front of me.  I’m direct, straightforward and therein lies the problem: that manner comes off as brash and cynical.

Whatever.

You hide behind your flowery words and charm and popularity and hammer me down into the ground.  You think because others say they agree with you at that moment, because you talk to a lot of people and are always in with a group makes you superior to me.  Go ahead.  All you’re doing is deceiving yourself.  I won’t say “sticks and stones,” because you do hurt me, but I get past that hurt.  What you don’t see is what I see: that I have people I can share my emotions with, that I can talk with all night and not get bored, that I can go to for anything and know they’ll be my support.  I have people who will laugh with me, cry with me, love me for who I am.  Can you say the same for yourself?  Maybe you can, in which case I am really happy for you.  But from this vantage point, from what I hear, see and feel is that you’re crying out inside, because you’ve been the bully for so long and instead of still being on top, you’re now on the bottom.

This is the time that my kindergarten teacher talked about.  This is the time in life when things really do start looking better.  This is the time when it doesn’t matter what others think, do or say, all that matters is that I’m true to myself and my convictions, that I’m nice to others, that I share and play nicely on the playground of life.

As I walked around today, through the neighborhood and park, I came to the realization that I need to change my life.   The colors of fall bring change, and it’s a good time for self-reflection.  The weather has become more fall-like, and the overcast skies today made it feel crisper than it really was.  I loved the metaphor of the colored leaves set against the gray sky, the community flower garden with its annuals fading in their end stages of life.  The chapter we call 2005 is in its final pages, with much left done and even more left to accomplish.  The next chapter is even more exciting, but along with it comes much of the same.  In March and April, when the leaves are budding and the flowers blooming, we’ll once again see the vibrant trees and bright colors, even if in a slightly different hue.

What happens on the playground when you’re on the swing with the big kids and get kicked off?  You can take the torture, sit on the ground and pout, look for the easy way out and tattle on the big kids or you can go play on the jungle gym and see if anyone follows you.  So if you need me, I’ll be sitting on top, looking up at the trees and the clouds, waiting to see what comes.