Green Jello Hotdish

Ah, yes. Another bright sunny morning. Another day of work at Carthage.

The EVS lady assigned to the building I work in needs professional psychological treatment. Currently, she’s on the house phone in the lobby area lecturing Security for unlocking rooms. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem, except for a few things:

1. She has nothing to do with unlocking rooms. She cleans rooms. Unlocking rooms and scheduling is coordinated by my office, not Security or EVS.
2. She thinks that the office phone number is her personal office line, and that those of us who work the front desk are her personal secretaries. She’ll give out this number exclusively when she makes appointments, etc, and then stops back to check if she has any messages.
3. Every morning when she vacuums, she makes sure to do a very good job of the large meeting spaces before people are in there. However, she apparently missed the memo to do the office spaces before people are trying to do work. Like clockwork, she begins to vacuum the lobby and offices at 10:00 a.m., not a reasonable hour before we’re on the telephone, helping people at the counter, etc. And how about mopping the floor once in a while?

Moving along. I answer the college switchboard through most of the day, and I’m about ready to just reject all calls. Let me say this once, and then we’ll be done: if someone calls from anywhere on campus from our 7,000 phone extensions, it will show up as “Carthage College 262-551-8500.” Please, for the love of God, do not just return the call because it showed up on your caller ID and say, “Someone from this number called me. Why?”

I don’t know why. No, I can’t transfer you to someone who does know why. Were you expecting a call from Carthage College? Do you know someone at Carthage College? Do you attend Carthage College? Yes, Carthage College is just that–a college, an institute of higher education and learning. Yes, you really did just call a college.

The switchboard operator is a smart cookie. We know where to transfer you, we know the names of many of the people that work on campus. We know standard acronyms, like IT and AP, and we have a number of our own. Please, for the children’s sake, simply ask for the extension you want. Don’t waste our time and yours with unnecessary stories, riddles or other information.

“Carthage College Operator.”
“Yes, hi, my name is I.N. Payne, maybe you can help me. Last week I fell down a number of stairs and broke both of my legs and arms, it’s amazing I’m making this phone call at all. I work as an investment broker so I’m pretty set during my rehabilitation period, but I worry about it sometimes, you know. Anyway, I’m looking to speak to someone about a student loan for my daughter. I think that would be in the Financial Aid office?”

All of that, taking up a precious minute of my time, just to go to the Financial Aid office. Seriously. Now imagine having three other calls banked behind that one and having to listen to that guy, while other people are having the phone ring twelve times, then calling back to yell at you and tell their own stories about how the phone rang twelve times and their cat got lost during that time and then a crow flew down from the sky and ate it, and how that cat was 18 years old and the old lady’s only companion but can you send her to the President’s Office?

Then there are the conference guests themselves. I wouldn’t ever speak ill about them, but let’s just say groups are forming on thefacebook. And we may be in need of installing gas chambers on certain floors of Tarble and Denhart Halls. Where am I supposed to eat when there are 500 people upstairs in the cafeteria and only room for 400 of us to sit? I pay good money to go to school here and eat this disgusting food. The least I can get in return is a place to set my tray and my ass while I’m eating it, without running into all these damn kids, camp counselors, etc. This place is my home; I don’t remember letting all these brats inside.